addiction

So I am going to be brutally honest with myself and with anyone reading about a serious problem that I have. Its an addiction problem and I am particularly embarrassed to have this addiction because many people claim this drug is not even addictive. I am addicted to pot and I freaking hate admitting that but its really true. I have been smoking weed pretty consistently since I was 16 (I am 23 now). I smoked heavily and could have even been stereotyped as the typical "pothead". I was lazy and watched a lot of tv with my boyfriend (which was our main activity that we did together was smoke weed and watch tv) and I ate a ton of crappy crappy food. When I moved to Montana in 2008 and started doing trailwork, my usage lessened but soon I was smoking again. I used it as an emotional crutch. I would use it to comfort myself and then also I would have an appetite and crave comfort foods. And I still use it again in that way.

I don't want to be a pothead. I don't want to be constantly thinking about it. On days when I try to be sober, the thoughts attack and I'll cry and lie in bed and try to escape them but its so hard. Its so hard to say no to yourself again and again and again and again when I know that smoking weed isn't even what I really want. I want to feel better which happens at first but then I get really introverted and lackadaisical and I'll likely pig out on nasty food. I spend more time alone. I feel very tired and unenergetic and unwilling to go to the gym or exercise. I feel unhappy. But I still have trouble quitting, its still really hard even though I know it can't be what I really want. 

Some people are addicted to booze, some to gambling, some to food (this is me as well), some to cigarettes, but I am addicted to marijuana. I want to get help because I realize I can't do this on my own. I want to feel better! I want to feel healthy and energetic and alive. I want to wake up looking forward to my day and the fun things I'll be doing. I need more (productive) fun in my life. I want to be healthy. 

If anyone has any advice on quitting something cold turkey, I would appreciate it.

<3 Kat

Day 1 - learning to be easy on myself

Today is the first day of my healthy eating. I am rebelling inside myself. Compulsive thoughts keep arising that I should be naughty, I should eat something indulgent just one last time or that I should begin my new life tomorrow. I've spent the whole morning fighting with myself in my head about whether or not I should smoke a bowl one last time before I finally just gave in. I feel ok though, its no use beating myself up about it now. I realize now how stupid it was to tell myself that things are absolutely not allowed, because my inner rebel just wants to do the opposite. Its like telling a small child that they can't touch something and then that is all they want to do. Completely restricting something in that way is just setting myself up for failure. And i think alot of other people operate in that same way.

I am a perfectionist. Now I used to not realize this about myself because I figured "well I am definitely not perfect, i have failed before so i can't be a perfectionist." Thats when I realized how all or nothing I am in approaching my goals. For me, I either go all at something with a hundred percent or I end up quitting. I end up quitting because I make the unrealistic standard for myself that I have to be perfect at something or good at something right away when change takes time, consistency, and focus. It's like I want to sprint to the finish line in one leap instead of going through each and every step of the race itself until I finally realize I am there. I'm not going to be perfect. I'm not perfect. So I might as well enjoy my journey instead of constantly agonizing about why I haven't reached the finish line yet. 

This all or nothing approach to my healthy lifestyle sets me up for failure. I create two sets of ideals within myself - one puritanical and disciplined, and the other extremely hedonistic and pleasure-seeking. These two sides of myself battle constantly. My puritan self says "you know you want this so you must be disciplined all the time and deprive yourself of indulgences and pleasures because they are not allowed" while my hedonist side rebels and says "I just want to have fun and live life and enjoy all of lifes sensations". What happens is I end up repressing my hedonist side for so long that I cave in and binge on everything with the thought that "I might as well enjoy this now before my uptight puritan side takes all the fun away again."

So this time, I am taking my approach to healthy lifestyle a little differently. I'm going to set guidelines for myself, but at the same time tell myself that nothing is off limits. I can have whatever I want, as long as I have it in moderation. But only as long as I am following healthy principles for the most part.

I'm going to set aside some money this week to be used as "goal money." Money set aside strictly to treat myself to something nice after reaching one of my mini goals. I am going to get myself a pedicure or a massage or something equally indulgent. That way my pleasure-seeking side will be kept at bay. I want to take good care of myself, but I also want to be easy on myself. I really am doing the best I can.

The thing that upsets me the most is that I know that I am the only person that is holding me back from becoming the person I want to be. I know that I am the only person that can stand in my way, so when I do I get so angry at myself. But I just have to keep on trying.

I use food as comfort for myself when I am feeling emotionally unstable, so I have to find ways to comfort myself that are healthy- like taking myself to a hot springs or taking myself on a date. 

I do want to be really fit, but really I just want to be good enough for myself. I want to feel happy. I will do whatever it takes to feel healthy and happy and vibrant. I'm just going to keep trying and try to accept myself for what I am no matter what stage of the journey I am undertaking. 

I can do this, its just going to take some time and effort.

<3 Kitty Kat

Starting over tomorrow

Tomorrow I am going to start over on my healthy eating and exercise plan, as I have lost track. My friend and I went to a Hooter's swimsuit contest today to watch, and those girls all looked so amazing, it inspired me to get into shape before the summer! I want to look good in my festival costumes and bathing suits! So I'll use this blog as a way to track my progress and stay on track.

Here is the diet- its a cleansing diet.

1. Vegetable juice in the morning 

2. Big salad with avocado for lunch, possibly a sweet potato or steamed veggies

3. same thing pretty much for dinner, can also have steamed veggies with marinara

I can make other recipes too, like I can make veggie soups and stir-frys with quinoa. But only in addition to the salad, the salad must come first.

a small amount of dark chocolate for dessert 

I'm going to try to follow this diet the best that I can for 30 days. Its a detox program outlined in Detox4Women by Natalia Rose. If I have to bend the diet a little to fit my life sometimes, I will but these are the general guidelines that I will try to follow. I just want to lose weight and feel better and I know that I need to detoxify for my health. 

I'm also going to be dry brushing (which helps to get rid of cellulite), exercising (pole dancing, running, dance, oula, zumba, hula hooping), and taking good care of myself by not drinking, doing any drugs of any kind, and taking time for myself to meditate, get a massage, take a hot bath, or write in my journal. 

I am going to try my best, we will see what happens.

Tomorrow when I wake up I am going to the good food store and getting a green juice and stuff to make juice and salads and sweet potatoes. I also want to make a kahl soup to jumpstart the diet. I will post everyday during the 30 days and update about how the diet is going and how I feel, how much weight I am losing, and pictures. I know that I can do this! 

I want to be strong enough to perform my pole art this summer, so I will be focusing on strength training and fat loss for that to optimize my performance. Here is some inspiration:

Thanks for stopping by!

<3 Kitty Kat

Doing well!

So I am off to a great start with my diet and exercise! I am tracking all my calories with Myfitnesspal.com and for the most part am eating very healthy.

Yesterday I had collard greens, 2 baby bok choy, and brown rice with shoyu sauce and balsamic vinegar with 10 baby carrots and black bean hummus for lunch

and for dinner i had a gala apple and amy's organic split pea soup. My roommate brought me a peanut butter cookie with m and ms which i ate half of (it was pretty big) so I messed up on dairy and sugar but still came in under my calories.

Plus I ran to the gym where I ran (most of the time!) on the treadmill for 30 minutes. burned 330 calories .

Step by Step, thats what I keep telling myself

Today is going to go well too, I can feel it!

Back in Action!!

Hello fellow xangians! My name is Kat, I've been using this site for years to track my eating and exercise habits and its about time I get back in action! I don't really have a problem with my body (and neither should you! Accept and love who you are RIGHT NOW. Doesn't mean you can't change it, but for now, your body is your temple so love and respect it.), but I am thinking of maybe trying to get a job as an exotic dancer or at Oh la latte here in Missoula, so I am embarking on a weightloss/ health journey!

RULES

• I am a runner so the first thing I need to do is hit the pavement! I have been pretty lazy this summer and by not running, my physical and mental health are dwindling. So I am going to start off easy and make a goal of 2 easy miles every weekday morning, first thing in the morning, and 3 on one of the weekend days. (one of them is off!) I am going to sign up for a 5k for the end of September or beginning of October.
• I am going to try to participate in more exercise and dance classes. There is a cool hiphop one and I am considering a belly dance class. Also, strength training, annoying but effective. Yoga and stretching are good too.
• I will be eating a vegan diet with unprocessed whole grains, beans/legumes, nuts, seeds, oils, and VEGETABLES!! I am aiming for at least 1 serving of the leafy green stuff per day.
• Be strict on myself, but forgiving when I mess up. This is a lifestyle after all, not a diet. Its unrealistic to think I won't ever crave sweets or fried food or the like, so I am just going to incorporate them into my diet as healthfully as possible.

I choose to be healthy. I choose to be fit and toned.

WOOT I am stoked so lets get to this!!!

<3 Kat